remembering compassion

Walking to the studio, I listened to the newest episode of ‘Finding Our Way’, hosted by Prentis Hemphill. They spoke with gentleness of the value of boundaries in building relationships, and organizing around creativity instead of shame. How I appreciate their perspective.

This studio time was challenging (despite the persistent sunshine). Self-doubt and judgement were creeping in. Watching videos of accomplished solo performers and impactful choreography, while inspiring, left me feeling vastly unprepared and limited in comparison.
I was late, I was hungry, I was not sure what to do.

Maybe some intentionally crafted words to get things moving? Stephen Jenkinson’s voice pierced the space with burdensome truths. I filmed the experiment then and quickly turned off the replay in disappointment. Still stuck in the useless, but very present, act of comparison.

And then, staring out the window at the grand basilica, a remembering of compassion. Returning to ritual. Resting in the known practice of technique. But, this time, with permission to engage in technique in ways that made room for slowness and noticing. Not yet welcoming rhythm - a boundary. And it was good. Solo piano for some compassionate bounces, breathings, high lifts, irregular plies, and somewhat structures tendus.

An improvisation focused on continuity and agreement left me feeling dizzy (which is most of the time these days), but also glad for a familiar feeling of joy in fluid movement.

Walking home, I listened to the remainder of the podcast and some very appropriate wisdom surfaced; just what I needed to hear:

“Perfectionism is a commitment to habitual self-doubt.”

Thank you, Prentis, for this clear truth. This is not the commitment I want to make. There is an important distinction between wanting (longing even) to use my creativity to say something of substance, and, insisting that look a certain way or happen instantly. Imperfection - another teacher.